Dusting off the Crystal Ball

To serve as the official guide to your current traits and predictions for your futures, I present you with "What Your Favorite Character in 'New Boy' Says About You."  If you chose Joseph, congratulate yourself on your intelligence, reserved nature, and compassion for others.  I predict that as an outsider to most cliques in college, you will successfully assimilate with troublemakers.  Most likely, this will land you in jail.  If you chose Miss, You admire weak authority figures, but treasure compassion.  You also find yourself increasingly using the word "Now."  I predict you will become a teacher of rambunctious children who rudely parrot the one word you turn to when in an anxious, panicked state.  This one word will serve as the only safeguard you can find to keep yourself from beating them.  If you chose Seth Quinn, Math Masters eludes you.  You scorn authority and often hang your head in shame because of your failures.  Prediction: unfavorable.  You better brush up on your study skills now before you fail out of college!  If you chose Christian Kelly, you enjoy ironic first names and rubbing snot onto unsuspecting victims.  Prediction: unfavorable.  While you may garner popularity from your unsavory antics, the cops will not find you humorous.  Jail time awaits!  If you chose Hazel O'Hara, you love intelligent, precocious, slightly bossy, sycophants.  Since your choice aligns with mine, I see much fame, fortune, and happiness in your future.  Good for you, smarty pants!  If you chose Pamela, you like sitting next to big girls and maps.  Also, you call yourself Kyle.  I predict that one day you will publish the how-to book: Cartography for Big-Boned Ladies.  If you chose Someone, you like the obscure, the ambiguous, the mysterious unsung hero.  I predict you will become the hero of the class when you make us a batch of cupcakes.  Our public praise of you will launch an endorsement for your new line of cupcakes: Fungcakes!