Who Needs Friends When You Have AP English?

Humans may never have written truer words!  Well, at the very least, Kate G. has written these words, and I have chosen to use them as the title of my survival guide. 

Before your anger and jealousy towards Kate sprout their ugly heads, know that I have chosen ten essential tidbits from various bloggers as the core of my survival guide.  According to my calculations, that will leave 28 bitter individuals who feel the sting of rejection.  And according to even further calculations, 28 represents a fairly low level of bitter AP English 12 students on any given day.

Suggestion #10:  Claire K. notes, "DO NOT skip the annotations on one third of a summer reading book.  For both summers, if you neglect a book, the universe automatically leads Ms. Serensky to 'randomly' choose that book and she will destroy you for it."  The notion that I can "destroy" anyone seems like a completely irrational way for students to stir up unnecessary drama.  All AP English students graduate, and all of them end up with A's and B's.  However, no one wants to start AP English in the gutter, so make sure you attend to your summer reading with meticulous precision.


Suggestion #9:  Abby advises, "You need to write fast. If you want to have success in this class, write like a rabid dog wants to eat your words."  Well put, Abby!  I like the urgency that your simile indicates.  Keeping a dangerous, froth-mouthed animal in mind will inspire just the right amount of speed to finish any task with "flex time" to proofread.  Future students, also note how Abby utilizes a literary technique to create a desired effect.

Suggestion #8:  Katie W.  perceptively states, "DO be the first person to say, 'Bless you,' when Ms. Serensky sneezes. She appreciates it… I think?"  You think correctly, Miss Katie!  In fact, I noticed this about myself just this week.  I think it makes me feel like someone cares about my well-being.  Most of the time, I feel exactly the opposite.  Maybe I should keep some pepper at my desk for those moments when I feel sad and alone...

Suggestion #7: Celene offers, "Do not let bees sting you. If one stings you, the fault belongs to you. Suffer in silence."  Most of the time I would advise students to "suffer in silence."  However, in regards to The Bee Incident:  I.  Did.  Not.  Know.  That.  Happened.

Suggestion #6:  Meghan points out, "Some days, you’ll find yourself sitting in perfectly arranged rows feeling like a Chinese student about to take the SAT in Beijing.  Score high, future student, score high."  Yet another student who can effectively employ a simile!  I sure do cultivate my crop well!  (Notice my use of metaphor. My job as a role model never ends.) In all seriousness, though, when students freak out when I position the desks in rows, they need to get a grip.  I create daily activities in the circle formation which equally test your skills.  Enjoy the elbow room the rows provide!

Suggestion #5:  Jessica recommends that you "always laugh at Ms. Serensky’s jokes, even if they prove questionable.  And when she starts laughing, you start laughing."  I have a serious issue with this one because I would call humor one of my fortes.  If you people do not appreciate my jokes, the problem lies with you, not me! 

Suggestion #4:   Derek urges future students "to laugh at things that others may deem cruel, unusual and most definitely awkward. For example, strangely located tattoos, dying horses, and abnormally large ladies facing terrifying circumstances involving men with pig faces, now prove side-splitting funny to students of AP English."  Exactly!  How could anyone not find these things funny?!  Even now, I heartily chuckle at these anecdotes.  So, yes, AP English DOES require a sense of humor.  Obviously, I appreciate a jolly classroom atmosphere which my students apparently fight against.

Suggestion #3:  Bradley advocates, "Despite any circumstance, DO NOT stutter or jumble your words. Often times, this can lead to the rapid heating of the face, which only attracts the glaring looks of the rest of the class. Unfortunately, among that crowd sits the grinning face of Ms. Serensky trying to hold back her amusement."  Like I said, what a jolly classroom atmosphere!  In fact, I really question why anyone would NOT want to partake in the class.  Seems to me like loads of laughter happen every day!

Suggestion #2:  Vicki warns future students to "learn to deal with failure.  Let your failures shape you, not only into a better writer, but also into a better person.  Believe it or not, English class will change you.  For good.  (Almost) like magic."  "Almost?  Almost?!"  Why, dear Vicki, magic abounds in the AP English classroom!  How an astute farmer like you does not see this shocks me.  Of course, it does take a prolonged amount of time to teach young adults to believe in the magic of failure, but I think that by the time graduation rolls around, most people believe.

Suggestion #1:  Elizabeth  expertly discloses that '“Team”' may not have an 'I' in it, but 'AP English' does."  I love this observation!  However, I would also like to point out that I assign each person at least one lifesaver for use just about every day.  Sure, some days I pit you against one another, but that just makes you stronger, braver, and smarter people. 

A Motley Crew

The topic: In the form of a paragraph, write about how you want your future classmates to view you next year in college.  Explain why you would want others to view you in these ways.  Thanks to Will Hinman for this topic!

Because I currently have no plans to attend college next year, my entry focuses on my Shining Stars.  Below, I provide my analysis of each student's response.  Keep in mind, these students represent the elite scholars of CFHS.  Their plans may startle you; at the very least, their desired outcomes should make you want to read their blogs.

Period Seven

BB:  hater of Friday
RC:  a not-too-mean girl
SF:  squirrel-watching Segway driver
CG:  totally zen (with perfect hair)
WH:  coolly in the shadows
MJ:  Spring Break squatter
KK:  One Direction groupie
CK:  humble beauty queen
LL:  awesome Asian
ML:  lady with the light saber
KM:  wickedly intense athlete
MM:  oddly armed with towel turbans
KMc:  secret sassafras
AM:  reasonable psychotic
BM:  non-stuttering dance machine
AO:  fame-seeking Hipster
VS:  sketchy typist of fart noises
AS:  mature liberal
DS:  nerdy Mr. Rogers
HT:  obsessive clock-watcher
BT:  searching for herself
KW:  self-confident laundress
AW:  haunter of dark corners

Period Eight

CB:  Head of Sanitation
SC:  THE creepiest roommate ever
EC-C:  catty sailor
KG:  beta lion
GJ:  Big Bird
AK:  a kindergartner
AM:  homesick quick-wit
AMc:  dependable lunch companion
AM-F:  mentally stable art kid
CS:  pseudo neat-freak
KS:  profane procrastinator
JW:  blond-haired, orange-skinned football cheerleader
AW:  non-bathing wig-wearer
KW:  math man
EW:  the village's happy hostess
JZ:  English nerd flying a freak flag

When to Hold 'Em, When to Fold 'Em

The Topic:  The New York Times has contacted you to write for their advice column under the pseudonym, Ms. Serensky.  A female reader writes in with the following problem: "My boyfriend wants to break up, but I do not."  What advice do you give the person? Write your response to the reader using a formal paragraph for your "Dear Ms. Serensky" column.  (Thanks to Lauren Lang for this topic!)

Dear "Standing My Ground,"

While I admire your steadfast determination to keep a claim to what you see as "rightly yours," you must keep in mind that young men do not appreciate monikers likening them to property.  I can empathize with your frustrations in terms of the time you have spent "making him a better man."  While many women, past and present, can understand your unwillingness to let go of a man you have so carefully molded, you must indeed do just that.  Let.  Him.  Go.  Do you really want a boyfriend who does not choose you?  Do you really want to spend your time with someone who would rather spend his time elsewhere?  Do you want to put in even more hours trying to prove why he should stay with you, knowing that he does not want that?  I should hope not!  A young lady with your propensity for enhancing the inadequacies of the opposite gender should, as they say, "take your talents elsewhere." To state it plainly: forget about this young man immediately.  Sure, you will face some heartache, some bitterness, and some anger.  Sure, you may find yourself fantasizing about damaging his personal property, taking a bat to his truck, etc.  Sure, you will feel the sting of rejection when you see him carouse around town with his new prospects.  But, keep in mind: a woman alone feels less pain than a woman with a boyfriend who resents her.   I implore you to not fight this fight.  Do not present yourself to the world as a groveling, lovelorn, pathetic woman who needs a man by her side, no matter what the cost.  Bid him adieu, and move on.  Ultimately, I bet he will become "a flabby failure who sits whimpering in his basement."  Think about the satisfaction you will feel then!

Sincerely,
Ms. Serensky
Dispenser of Wisdom

Nobody Puts Bobbie in a Corner

The Topic: Share your favorite movie with us.  Choose only one movie.  In the form of a paragraph, explain why you think this movie tops your list of "Favorite Movies." (Thanks to Derek Stevenson for this topic!)

"A girl your age should not watch this movie," my mother said when I brought the VHS tape home from the video store. "I have no idea why your dad let you choose it." She took the tape from my hands and stowed it away.  However, as soon as she, my dad, and my brother left for the evening, I immediately found it and popped it in the VCR. Scandalous, right?! Not really.  A thirteen-year-old who wanted to watch a PG-13 movie seems reasonable.  Apparently, though, my mother did not trust the MPAA's ratings system, nor did she appreciate the title--this, after I presented much evidence of the harmless implications of "dirty" in 1963, the setting of the film.  So, I suppose that its forbidden nature served as my initial draw to Dirty Dancing.  As my readers know, I have an affinity for dancing, which also pushed me towards this film.  With Patrick Swayze in his prime, a stellar soundtrack, and the love story of a young woman who defies her parents to date a man who breaks all the rules, my enthusiasm for this film should not surprise any of you.   In fact, two of the three pictured items below came as gifts from past boyfriends.  Hence, it seems as though this movie must also serve as a way to my heart.  Eventually, my mom's irrational hesitations faded, or she at least gave in to my obsession.  She bought me the first copy of the Dirty Dancing book.  (I say "the first copy" because in later years I lost the original.  Luckily, I received a new copy three years ago as a gift.  I yelled in joy.) I used it, along with the soundtrack's tape, to practice all of the dances on the film: the Merengue, Mambo, Cha-cha, and Fox-trot.  Yes, I, an enterprising young lady who had some spare moments after completing her homework, would spend my free time practicing these dances.  I would sing along with the songs, dance with my imaginary dance partner, and ignore the snickers from my family.  I would daydream of performing these dances for admiring crowds.  I would eagerly await the day when a handsome man would choose ME for the last dance of the season as people watched us in astonished amazement.  Basically, I would have given anything to live in the world of this movie.  Even to this day, if I could find a mountain retreat with dancing lessons where I could hang out with people my age, I would sign up immediately! 

 

A small part of my collection.

A short clip from the final scene-- perhaps the greatest scene in all of film history!

Lazy, Lazy Lady

The prompt:  Write a 10-line poem that causes the reader to feel uncomfortable.  In a paragraph, pinpoint the words/phrases/stylistic choices that arouse discomfort.  (Thanks to Kate Girouard for this topic!)

walkin arownd

it soe hapenz i am sic of being a man
n it hapenz that i walk in2 tailorshopz n moovy
houzez
dried up waterprooff like a swaun maid of felt
stearring my way in a water of woomz n ashez

the smell of barbershopz makez me br8k in2 horse
sobz
the only thing i want iz 2 lie still like stonez or wool
the only thing i want iz 2 c no more storez no gardenz
no mo goodz no spectles no elvatorz


I feel an immense amount of discomfort when I view the above creation.  Each time I typed a new word, I felt a part of my soul withering away.  No capital letters? A travesty!  Misspellings everywhere?  Utter laziness!  No punctuation?  Blasphemy!  Simple verbs?  Way to buck the system, tough girl!  And the worst offense: plagiarism?  Get ready for the slammer, lady, because all of those angry Commie Neruda followers will surely press charges to the fullest extent of the law!  The overall butchering of the English language?  Time to bathe in the grammatical rules of the Almighty Writers Inc.!  What could any of us find more uncomfortable than the complete deterioration of my English skills?  Nothing.  The loss of the skilled wordsmith would devastate us all.

Crucial sidenote:  The results of the spell check I just conducted blinded me with its neon yellow mockery.  So.  Painful.

Time to Go Green and Leafy

The Prompt:  In the form of a paragraph, write a letter to your 11-year-old self with advice or criticism.  (Thanks to Katie Widman for this topic!)

Dear Bobbie,

No matter how much you will not like what I have to tell you, I DEMAND that you follow my advice in this letter.  Much of your future happiness and contentment will depend upon it.  You know those fun trips to the grocery store when Mom lets you pick out two of your favorite items, and you choose Frosted Flakes and chocolate ice cream?  Stop it!  Now!  Instead, beg her to indulge you in four items: two types of fruits and two types of vegetables.  I know that you sit shaking your head, finding me foolish.  Yet, I ask: would you rather become a bitter 38-year-old woman who begrudgingly stuffs vegetables down her gullet?  I think not! Believe me when I say that a life of Doritos and Jab's Pizza may sound fabulous, but hours pouring over vegetable dish recipes on Pinterest (you will learn the significance of this gem in your life later) does not make you feel fabulous at all.  You spend hours trying to find ways to make vegetables not taste like vegetables when you should instead spend your time working on that amazing idea you have created for a novel.  You spend moments of your life you will never get back trying to figure out what flavor of kale chips you can tolerate.  Don't scoff at them--they stave off cancer!  While you may think that you will deal with this issue later in life and that the vegetables Mom serves will suffice, your foolishness will catch up to you.  Run to the vegetable tray!  Ask for salads in your lunch box!  Accept only fruit salads for your treats!  Not only will this make you a svelte youngster, but you will also feel so full of energy.  Say good-bye to your days of snacking slothdom and hello to the mighty power of fruits and vegetables!


Love,
Bobbie


P.S.  While some of this vocabulary may evade the comprehension of an 11-year-old, you and I both know you can handle it.  After all, one day you will stand before a crowd of admiring people as you beam with pride as Valedictorian!  However, do not use that as an excuse to relax academically.  Just focus on the fruits and vegetables, and the rest will work itself out.

A Sudden Superpower

The topic:  Write a story centralized around the phrase "the second hand."  Limit your story to 300-350 words.  (Thanks to Alie Medina-Fetterman for this topic!)


Cal grabbed the crumpled advertisement.  Its withered state reminded him of the ever-increasing passage of time.  In Cal's seventeen-year-old mind, the next four years of his life (maybe even the rest of his life!) hinged on heeding its words: "Visit Clairvoyant Eva Matrusca! Forewarned = forearmed."

Though he narrowed his college choices to two--his only two acceptances--how could he possibly make this decision himself?  As time closed in, it looked like Madame Matrusca could decide for him.

So, on Saturday morning, instead of his usual visit to his ailing grandfather, Cal visited Madame Matrusca.  Any guilt he felt about this disappeared when a woman's booming voice greeted him.

"Ah!  Come in, young man!" The enthusiasm of Madame Matrusca took Cal aback, as did her gray, wiry hair, her multicolored moo-moo dress, and her swooping hands.  What had he gotten himself into?

"Let's not waste time!  Eva can see by your flustered state that the future scares you.  Right hand! Now!"

Cal reluctantly turned over his sweaty palm.  The moment of truth inched closer.

"Good news!  You will live a long, healthy life.  Oh... but... wait... it looks like someone else close to you will pass soon."

Cal's stomach sank.  His grandfather.  How could he have selfishly skipped seeing him?

"Tell me, young man, why did you come to see Eva today?  To foretell details of your love life?"

"No, Ma'am," Cal squeaked. "I need to know what college I should attend."

"But, of course!" Madame Matrusca billowed with another swoop of her hands, nearly striking Cal on the cheek.  "The road you should choose!  For that, I will need to see the second hand.  Life's outcomes always depend upon the second hand."

As Cal relinquished his second hand, an image of his grandfather, helpless on the kitchen floor, flashed in his mind.  Cal raced away from the table and drove furiously to his grandfather's home.

"Help... please," a feeble voice begged as Cal stormed through the front door.

There, Cal found his grandfather, followed the words of Madame Matrusca, and pulled his grandfather up with his second hand.

Letting the Moves Move Me

The prompt:  Take one of your everyday experiences and make it extreme.  Extreme dog walking.  Extreme driving.  In a paragraph, thoroughly describe your experience.  (Thanks to Becky Black for this topic!)

5:40 a.m.  "READY TO PARTY YOURSELF INTO SHAPE?!"  The sounds of Zumba songs blare from my iPhone. I reach for my bright yellow headband, and I place it around my head.  Now the day can begin!  I remove the covers in quick, rhythmic kicks to the sounds of my newest Zumba playlist: I have over 50 saved!  The Salsa Travel move gets me around the apartment in preparation for the day.  Even while eating my breakfast, I can accomplish the Merengue March.  Driving proves tricky, but luckily I have downloaded all the Zumba greats into my iPhone, such as "Dance, Dance, Dance,"  "This Is Tha Song," and "Zumba Waka Waka." With each new song, I visualize my flawless routines.  I see myself on the aerobics floor, stomping, swaying, belly dancing, and overall just getting really funky with each song.  Every woman behind me envies my rhythm, my style, and my grace.  My arrival at work, though, breaks my dream-like vision.  I pop in my headphones and Samba Lunge into the building.  While keeping my lunges in correct form does prove difficult up the stairs, I, of course, perform marvelously.  In fact, I feel so confident that I decide to do the Cumbia Candle Step all the way down the third floor hallway; after all, few people arrive by this time.  Once into my classroom, I can get more serious.  Here, I have space to Booty Circle as I prepare the handouts for the day.  Here, I can Diamond Step my way over to the hole puncher, and use the Salsa Back move to return to my original place behind my desk.  Here, I have a huge dance floor, a captive audience, and a place in the spotlight .  Each day, my audience willingly surrounds me in a circle, snapping and clapping in response to each of my routines--especially my clever segues.  To mix up my routine as I leave work, I wait until most of the staff exits, so that I can Belly Dance Hip Shimmy my way out to the parking lot.  This helps me to loosen up as the time for the official Zumba class at the gym draws nearer.  Upon arriving home, I have about one and a half hours to stretch and warm up before heading to the gym.  I hook up the iPhone to my Bose stereo, which really gives me the chance to rock out.  To warm up, I prepare for anything the evening's instructor might throw at the class. I make sure to cover Cuban Salsa, Cumbia Funk, Basic Reggaeton, Basic Samba, Basic Quebradita, and Basic Calypso.  In an enthusiastically energized state, I head to the gym to secure my place in the front row.  After all, someone with my level of intensity cannot afford to allow anyone in front of me to ruin my flow. 

Front and center, purple shirt, gray pants, headband.  Picture from the gym's website.

Feeling especially proud of myself not only for exercising after a long day, but also for flawless dancing, I Sabor Step out to the car.  Even though my energy begins to wane, my enthusiasm for Zumba does not.  Once home, I pop in the new set of Zumba DVDs I just bought!  Memorizing the routines as I intensely focus on the screen will prepare me for tomorrow, when I start all over again.

Blog Post Assignment and Semester Exam Preparation

Happy New Year!

Please follow these directions for your final blog post of the semester.  You need to complete this well-developed paragraph by midnight on Wednesday, January 9.  Include the following three points:

1.  Select your most well-written blog post.  Give the title of that post and discuss how it qualifies as your best piece of writing.

2.  Select your most interesting blog post (different from choice #1).  Give the title of that post and discuss why you see it as your most interesting piece of writing.

3.  Select a favorite comment that a peer posted to one of your entries.  Paraphrase the comment, give it some context, and respond to that comment.


For your Semester Exam, you will present some points of interest to the class.  Feel free to prepare notes for this day.  You will sit in the "hot seat" for about four minutes.  Address the following:

1.  Choose ONE of the above three items to share with the class.

2.  Share your #1 goal for your blog entries as we head into Semester Two.  Discuss why you have made this your primary goal and how you plan to achieve it.

3.  Share your #1 goal for AP English 12 Semester Two.  Discuss why you have made this your primary goal and how you plan to achieve it.

4.  Answer any questions from me or your peers as time permits.

I expect that your choices will reflect serious thought and inquiry in terms of self-reflection about your blog work as well as your work in AP English as a whole.  I would like to see each student present comfortably, with your own personality, and with a scholarly air.  In other words, your classmates and I want to gain a sense of your accomplishments and goals via your authentic voice, not the voice of a nervous robot.